southern drawl: Give Yourself a Little Grace This Holiday Season

The holidays have a way of turning simple traditions into full productions. A meal becomes a menu, a gathering becomes an event, and somewhere along the way, enjoying it all can slip to the bottom of the list. Kristy Dominiak knows the pull toward holiday perfection well. A longtime overachiever, she spent years checking the boxes she thought would make her happy—career, marriage, children, and success—only to realize that a life that looked good on paper didn’t always feel good on the inside.

That realization led her to therapy and self-reflection, where she began rethinking what happiness really looks like. The answer wasn’t another goal to chase or box to check. It was learning to give herself the same grace she so readily extended to others.

Now, the life coach and author of “The Shaken Snow Globe” encourages her clients to do the same, especially when the holidays start asking for more than anyone realistically has to give.

Put Down the Perfect Holiday Manual

It’s easy to slip into holiday autopilot. We have traditions to uphold, meals to prepare, gifts to buy, and an imaginary standard of what a “perfect” holiday is supposed to look like.

Dominiak believes much of that pressure comes from wanting other people’s approval. We tell ourselves that if we can create the perfect experience for everyone else, we’ll feel happy, too.

“We’re so busy trying to create the perfect feeling for other people,” she says, “that we’re not really feeling that perfect.”

Her advice is to ask yourself: “What do I actually want?”

Listen to Your Exhaustion

Dominiak says exhaustion is usually a sign you’ve stopped noticing anything else, too busy checking things off to actually be there for them.

If your mind is racing through the holiday to-do list 

while you’re standing at the grocery store, wrapping presents at midnight, or wondering whether you bought the right napkins, it may be time to stop. Even five quiet minutes can help.

She recommends sitting somewhere alone, putting away the phone, and taking a few breaths. If your thoughts continue racing, try a “thought dump.” Write down every thought that comes into your head for a minute without editing or judging it. The point isn’t to produce an insightful journal entry; it’s to get all that mental clutter out of your head and onto paper.

“You don’t realize how mean self-talk is,” she says, “until you see it in front of you. Then crumple up the page and throw it away.”

Decide What Actually Matters

Dominiak also suggests looking at the holiday to-do list differently. Instead of seeing every item as a must-do, turn the list into a wish list.

What matters most to you? What can you let go?

Maybe the seven-layer cake is the centerpiece of your holiday joy. Great. Make the cake. But if you’re making it because you assume everyone expects it—and you’re exhausted before dinner even starts—it may be worth reconsidering.

She also started asking family and guests a simple question: What is one thing you really want to happen this holiday, and what are you perfectly happy to skip?

The answers can be surprising. More importantly, they give everyone a chance to participate.

“We sometimes feel like if we haven’t done it all ourselves, then it doesn’t count,” she says. “And that’s actually not true.”

Ask for Help

Asking for help is an invitation for others to contribute.

If the roast is stressing you out, there’s no rule saying it has to come out of your oven. Pick up the main course. Delegate the dessert. Let someone else set the table.

Your family doesn’t need the perfect host, the perfect meal, or the perfect house. They just need you.

Find out more at kristydominiak.com